This Motherhood + Me mini blog series is all about the identity of women surrounding their experiences with becoming a mother, it touches on infertility, pregnancy, new motherhood and maternal mental health.
Becoming a mother has forced me to really own who I am. I have taken on the responsibility of shaping another person who relies on me for everything but I’m also not finished learning who I am exactly.
But we’re all a work in progress though aren’t we?
At the age of 23 I got married and stayed in that relationship for longer than I should, not because I was happy in it, but because I had decided to stay committed to my marriage despite the fact that we weren’t a good fit for each other.
We met when I was 17 and over time I changed, as we all do, from essentially being a child, to growing into a woman. ButI didn’t feel that I was free to grow and change. I felt trapped and that I didn’t fit into the “wife-mould” that my husband wanted.
It took the realisation that if I didn’t end the marriage then I would be living a lie for the rest of my life. I knew that I would continue to do things that made me ashamed, and not like the person I had become. It was scary to blow up my life as I knew it, but by the time I had made up my mind, there was no alternative.
I fell in love again, very quickly, with a man who excited me, challenged me and encouraged me to grow and who I felt like I could be my authentic self with. A couple of months into this very new relationship I found out I was pregnant but prior to this revelation I had been struggling with some emotional difficulties.
Although I was happy in my new relationship a lot of change was happening in a very short space of time. I wasn’t sleeping and had started to experience some very frightening panic attacks, it felt like I was spiralling out of control.
Very early on in my pregnancy, I felt a definite shift in my identity. Up until that point I was an independent woman, fresh out of an unhappy marriage, living with my best friend in our newly rented flat having the most fun in my entire life and suddenly I find out I’m expecting a baby and in that moment I knew almost everything would change. I couldn’t be that carefree fun loving free spirit I was only just beginning to explore within myself. I had to be sensible, stable, get into the mindset of the kind of mother I wanted to be. As much as this baby was a blessing and very much wanted; I was grieving the woman that I had to leave behind.
Very early on in my pregnancy, I felt a definite shift in my identity. Up until that point I was an independent woman, fresh out of an unhappy marriage, living with my best friend in our newly rented flat having the most fun in my entire life and suddenly I find out I’m expecting a baby and in that moment I knew almost everything would change. I couldn’t be that carefree fun loving free spirit I was only just beginning to explore within myself. I had to be sensible, stable, get into the mindset of the kind of mother I wanted to be. As much as this baby was a blessing and very much wanted; I was grieving the woman that I had to leave behind.
I was also struggling with feelings of guilt, that I had moved on so quickly and was starting a family of my own, that I had gone back on a promise I had made to my husband and it felt like I didn’t have the right to be publicly happy about my new relationship or my baby.
In the end though finding out I was going to have a baby really snapped my life into focus and I made self care my number one priority. I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to have a healthy pregnancy and I stopped focusing so much on what other people thought or expected of me.
I was also lucky enough to be surrounded by some very supportive friends and family who I could share my fears and thoughts with when I needed. Keeping it all in never works for me, instead talking through my feelings helps me to figure out exactly why I’m feeling the way I am and to find a way to move forward.
The concept of my identity has always been a struggle for me. It is difficult to be confident in who you are, when, from birth, you are surrounded by people and the media all telling you who you are and what is expected of you. Being a woman comes with so many pressures both from outside sources and those pressures you put on yourself. Add to that suddenly becoming a mother and the pressure mounts!
Quite often, I felt completely overwhelmed. It is at these times that I feel most alone in all this. That is when I have to remind myself that I am not alone. There are people in my life who are happy to listen and who want to help me. I have to consciously remind myself to speak up, not bottle everything up until it inevitably bursts out at the most inconvenient time!
I am constantly learning new things about myself, as a woman, as a mother, as a partner. I am striving to be a good mother, a role model, a happy and fulfilled woman, a loving partner.
I want to make sure my children know they are loved, unconditionally, no matter who they are, who they will grow to be, who they will choose to love and I think that the best way to show them is to make sure I am taking care of myself as well as them.
Laura is currently on maternity leave and lives with her partner and two children in Worcestershire. She is currently in the process of starting up her own blog but you can go and say hello to her over on Instagram.
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