Why you can’t please everyone and why you shouldn’t!

Ok, so before we get into it I’m going to hold my hands up and say that I’m a recovering people pleaser!

Pretty much most of my teens, twenties and some of my thirties were spent trying to second guess if people liked me, approved of my choices, were Ok if I did something different and so on, and so on! Also,  I hardly ever said no and would go out of my way for someone so I didn’t let them down, even if they were letting me down!

Needless to say I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone and not really learning how to just be comfortable with being me. 

So what changed?

Well, it was actually a combination of several things —  life experience, maturity, relationship breakdowns and massive mindset shifts, plus growing and flexing my confidence and self worth muscles along the way too.

But to get to a place where you can make a change in your people pleasing habits you need to understand why you will never please everyone, AND why you shouldn’t aim to either.

There is a brilliant quote from Dita Von Teese that nails it nicely...

"You can be the ripest juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches."

Which is basically saying you can be your utter most amazing, brilliant, fantastic self but there will still be someone who doesn’t like you, get you or approve of you and/or your ideas and choices!

And you know what — that’s ok! 

Now I’m guessing at this point your heart might be racing a little and you could be feeling all sweaty and fraught? The idea of someone not liking or approving of you or what you are doing can feel extremely uncomfortable to many, but why is that? 

Well, as social animals we strive to fit in and we get rewarded when others around us approve, we get a hit of those happy hormones that lift us up and we feel included and valued. But what we fail to see is that sometimes this at our own expense.

Unfortunately there will always be people out there in the world that will manipulate others to get what they want, they will use a people pleaser to their advantage. There are also people who like to be in control, have it all their own way and they will also use people pleasers to their advantage.

Let me tell you these people do not deserve your time, energy and generosity so learn to spot these toxic behaviours and give yourself permission to please you and not them, this my friend is where you start flexing those confidence and self worth muscles!

Another reason why you can’t please everyone is because we are all simply different people, with different tastes, ideas and opinions, and that is ok too! Now some people like to exert their different feelings and opinions on to others, that isn’t ok. You can always listen and try to understand where those differences are coming from but you don’t have to agree or act upon them, you can absolutely agree to disagree and hopefully move on.

Now I think it’s important to mention here that we all need to flex sometimes too, please understand I’m not suggesting that you demand to have everything your way or just blatantly say no to everyone and everything without consideration, we must be reasonable and compassionate people too. 

But what I am talking about is those moments when you hear yourself saying yes, or see yourself changing your behaviour when inside it feels wrong and not aligned with your best interest — those are the moments when you have to take a step out of the situation, be brave and focus in on what is right for you.

So how the hell do we actually do this then?!!!

Well, first and foremost keep front of mind that there will always be someone that you can’t please and work on that acceptance. If this person is sincere in their relationship with you they will hopefully understand.

But what if they don’t?

What if it’s your mum, or best friend or partner or child, or your boss??!!

So if it’s someone that is greatly important to you that is not being pleased this is where you take a deep breath and have a conversation about what is important and valuable to you and how you owe it to yourself to put your best interest at heart. Now this is hard I know and one of the biggest mindset shifts  I had to go through was getting comfortable with confrontation, not because I enjoyed it but because I wasn’t afraid to stand up for myself and do the right thing by me.

A big part of no longer being a people pleaser is getting comfortable with hard feelings that might not come easy and behaviour that doesn't feel natural, that’s why it’s a mindset shift and it needs to be practiced and nurtured.

How do we go about this mindset shift?

So approach it as a self love/care project, identify situations in your life where you go into people pleasing mode, think about who you are trying to please and how they contribute to the situations too. Then think about, (and I highly recommend writing them down too) ways that you normally react and how you want react instead. Next I want you to practice, yes practice reacting differently and have in mind what you will do if this person starts to make you feel bad.

Being ready and prepared will help you to stand your ground and focus on what’s best for you.

Remind yourself...

- Not everyone likes, wants, needs or agrees with what you do.

- It’s ok to be different and crucial to follow what matters to you most.

- We are all unique, difference is a fact of life that should be acknowledge but not held against.

- Your time, energy and resolve are precious commodities, respect and honour them (and you will find other people will start to as well!)

- You owe people nothing, it’s important to show respect and compassion to others but not at the detriment of your personal wellbeing. 

- You don’t give to receive, which means people shouldn’t give to you in expectation that they can hold you over a barrel on it later down the line.

- It’s not your job to please everyone — it’s your job to nourish and nurture yourself. Your happiness lies within you and other people’s happiness lies within them, no one has the right to put this upon you. 

And finally...

Setting a benchmark for yourself on how people treat you is vital for your overall wellbeing, treat yourself how you expect others to treat you. If you spend time trying to please everyone you will end up spending your life running round in circles after others and you deserve far more than that. There’s another great saying that goes...

"Nothing changes, if nothing changes!”

If you continue to place value on pleasing others to the detriment of yourself then you will continue to feel shitty about yourself, and them too! I promise you the world won’t cave in if you start to putting your best interest first. 

So... Do YOUR own thing, forge YOUR own way, create YOUR own path!

There’s always going to be bumps in the road, especially when it comes to other people but those bumps make us stronger, wiser and more resilient, it’s good for you to say no — be a no person instead!

I'd love to know your thoughts on if or how you struggle as a people pleaser, comment below or tag me in on Instagram!