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| Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash |
Secretly I can find them triggering too, because on the most part they remind me of all the things I am not that I thought I would be and all the dreams and goals I thought I would achieve that I haven’t.
Turning 21 was underrated for me, I had just moved back to my home town, most people I knew had left and it was just me and my mum who was going through a tough time.
Turning 30 was lonely and terrifying, I was in an on/off relationship with a boy who was emotionally and mentally unavailable that was going no where. I had some questionable friendships, no family around and my career sucked. Plus I had this idea that I should be married with kids by 30, I clearly wasn’t and it clearly wasn’t on the horizon either, I felt a broken failure and if it wasn’t for my sister in law, who surprised me with a fancy dinner and a tarot reading, the day would have passed by unnoticed.
But turning 40 was everything though! My husband, who is normally useless with any kind of celebratory day surprised me with a trip the Seattle, he also arranged for the kids to be looked after and time off work with my boss! The school mums rallied and surprised me with dinner and drinks out AND my family went the extra mile too. That birthday was magical and just what I needed from a milestone birthday, and even though I was turning the big 4-0 I felt truly at my best in that moment.
Back to 44 then, and I’ve felt those mixed feeling rising to the surface all week. Since turning 40 lots of things have changed in my life, another baby, quitting my job of 9 years, my body rapidly going from being postnatal to premenopausal and, like the rest of the world, battling through a world pandemic. I’m not exactly where I thought I would be almost half way through this decade and that unnerves me a lot.
You see as much as a love my special day I've also always used it a yard stick in my life to measure success and worthiness, as you can imagine this is often a recipe for disaster for me.
So what of today then? Well, I’ve been thinking long and hard about this all week and I’ll be honest with you I’ve had a bit of a wobble. I’ve fixated on all the things that are lacking which unsurprisingly have been very bad for my mindset, plus having a September birthday doesn’t help when the weather changes and the nights and mornings get darker leaving my mood and motivation at a low point too.
Let me tell you though this birthday tale of mine, full woe and despair isn’t over, because I’ve decided to give it a happy ending. What if I could step out of myself for a minute, let all that ego crap go and put my own jumped up expectations on hold? What wisdom and comfort would I give myself today?
You are not defined by your years or the things you haven’t done,
You are not defined by who you were, what you said or what you did,
You are not define by how you lived in your mind or in your body,
And you are not defined by the people who did or didn’t surround you.
You are made by your strength, your tenacity, and your courage,
You are made by your compassion and your desire,
You are made by the things your survived and the love you created,
And you made by every little step towards being the truest, most authentic version of yourself,
Whoever she may be.
There is always time to journey to and discover her,
Because she's always there waiting for you.
Today I’m going swimming with my youngest, he’s been asking for “Swimming pool, swimming pool!” all week. My eldest returns from her school residential this afternoon and we’re going to order the biggest takeout curry we can and snuggle in with wine and presents and laughter and hugs and I know I will go to bed with my heart full and my birthday wisdom on repeat moving me forward into another year ahead.
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