Facing your fears, embracing uncertainty.

As I transitioned into adulthood I went from being an awkward teenager to a confident young women who travelled the world and thought anything was possible. Don’t get me wrong I my self esteem got knocked down plenty of times along the way — a cheating boyfriend, failed job interview, fall out with a friend — but I pushed myself to keep striving for a life I had always dreamed about and felt like anything could be possible, I would pick myself up from a fall and find myself brimming with hope and optimism again.

But recently I’ve felt the grip of fear creeping into my mind, my emotions have been all over the place, my body has felt heavy, all of a sudden I’ve become someone I don’t recognise. Where I had always leaned into this “Fuck it, let's go for it!” or “Why the hell not me?!” attitude, fear of failure and making mistakes have become my constant companion, and where I always believed I could achieve anything this doubt of whether I can ever be good enough has now settled in my thoughts and I’ve massively struggled to push it away.

Now I’m not one to worry about what others think about me, I’ve learnt to grow a thick skin over the years and I know truly that I’m not for everyone and they also are not always for me. But my goodness fear of what other will think of me is also permanently lodged in my brain right now and driving my all my good intentions to the outer limits. 

Fear has taken over and I don’t like it anymore.

However there’s nothing like a new year to you a kick up the arse and thankfully that’s what seems to have happened. I’ve always taken January as a slow, quiet month where I don’t rush into any decision or plan making and that’s exactly what I did this and graced myself some time and space to mull this whole fear thing over.

I came to several conclusions which have helped me unpack this feeling and get to the root of it and if fear is plaguing you lately you may recognise some of these. 

Low self worth - this has been a major problem for me especially since giving up work and although I’ve done tiny bits of freelancing here and there I’ve really lost a part of myself and who I identify as which has impacted my self esteem. 

Here’s the other big one, my age! Yes, being in my mid forties is playing tricks with my mind and emotions I feel like a clock is ticking, that I’m getting too old to be successful, relevant or build a valuable career - and I know you are shaking your head at me right now!

Finally, regret and rejection are massive barriers too. Regret, that’ll pick the wrong job, course, or path and that I’ll waste more time trying to figure out what I should do with my life and rejection, that people will laugh at me, scoff at me and generally look down on me if I try something new.

You may have noticed that there’s a common theme here and that all my fear is tied up in what I want to do for work and career moving forward. 

So here’s where I am at now.

I personally see that I have two choices - continue to let fear rule my life and be sad, disappointed and unauthentic to my true self OR find and do what I need to shift this horrible feeling push forward again with my fingers and toes crossed that the right thing will happen.

It’s not easy though right? You can have all the good will in the world but overcoming fear is HARD.

So which one am I choosing?

Well, thankfully it’s the latter and you know what it’s not as hard as I thought it would be to get started. 

The number one thing that helped was knowing my why, and for me it’s my children. I don’t want them to see me crippled by fear in this way anymore and actually I didn’t want my life to be defined by it either, so I guess I’m doing it just as much for myself too.

So now it’s time to take action and I think that’s the most valuable thing I can give you to take away here. 

TAKE ACTION. 

It doesn’t have to be a big step, it doesn’t have to loads of things because overwhelming yourself with pressure isn’t helpful but you should nudge yourself out your comfort zone if you can. My action was firstly telling people I felt fear and why (please choose people you trust to do this with), I realised I felt quite isolated so I arranged to get coffee with a few friends and signed up for an online writing group which has been not only helpful to explore my fear but connect with some incredible women who have resonated with and inspired me.

Finally, and this is the hardest one, I’ve really worked on being ok and not knowing the answers. This has been tricky for me because I need to have to grasp on who I am to feel my best self and I’ve really lost that lately so just running with it pushes my personal boundaries. But if it’s not working then it’s time for a change so I’m being brave now. My way forward with this is to just figure out what makes me tick, what I might be good at and where I could start. It still feels so uncertain but what harm will it do if I try out some different things - it could be exciting right?

I don’t have it all figured out, that scares me because I feel like I should but the only was to beat that fear is to look it in the eye, gather my army of supporters and put one foot forward at a time.